just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
