I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
