My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
