She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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