i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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