Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
