So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
