I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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