I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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