I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
