I wish my penis had an off switch
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
