i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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