His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
