Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
