So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
