Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
