he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
there is glitter all over my balls
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