Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
