My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
