Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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