Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
