I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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