Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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