Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
