Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am midnight drunk by noon
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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