Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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