I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize