I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
