i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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