We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
