3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
