Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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