Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
