I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize