I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
