This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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