turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
