I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
