Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
