I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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