News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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