South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Randomize