Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
