why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
