took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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