I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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