Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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