I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
