Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
