Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
