Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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