dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
