I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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