A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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