I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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