Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize