After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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