Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Pants are for mortals
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
