seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
