WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
