i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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